I put up a good front. But inside? Inside I feel dead. Or cold. Or emotionless. Or completely and utterly alone. Discouraging, eh? Right now, though, I feel truly alone—completely alone. Like someone dropped me off in the middle of a crowded city and nobody there will acknowledge my presence—like I'm just not there. They move around quickly, and blurrily while I'm left standing, looking at myself with complete clarity.
Today, tonight, I feel as if I'm just a waste of space. Like the song, “Gotta Be Somebody” by Nickleback: “And everyone wants to feel like someone cares.” Right now I don't. I take that back. They do—they just don't care enough.
I feel a heaviness in my chest right now. In my mind, I'm seeing myself standing on a table, my fists hitting my chest, then thrusting them into the air, my voice screaming, “I just want to be loved; I just want somebody to care—to just be there,” while tears of anguish stream down my cheeks. As I'm doing this, I can see everyone's detached eyes watching me. I drop to my knees, gasping because I can't seem to get enough air in my lungs.
“Why do you feel like this, Sara?” you ask. I feel this way—and I know at first you're going to be like, “Oh, my GOD, get a grip! It's not a big deal!”—but it is, it is. I feel this way because nobody will play a game with me.
“What an over-exaggeration,” you're thinking with disgust. You're entitled to your opinion—but I can't change the way I feel. Please, please let me explain. At times like this, I feel like I don't have a family—that my parents died the day I was born, and I don't have any siblings.
I just... I just feel like nobody can stop for one moment and say, “Oh, of course I feel like spending time with my sister—my family—instead of going out with my friends yet again,” or “Of course, honey, I'll play a board game with you! It doesn't matter that we don't have more than two people; it will be fun because I'm playing it with YOU!” but no, that hasn't happened yet, and I doubt it ever will. Is that really too much to ask? I grew up with almost no friends. All I’ve ever had is my family—and sometimes not even that! So, I’ll say it again: Is it too much to ask for my family to care enough about me to spend some time with me?
I'm standing in the middle of a room, screaming at the top of my lungs for someone to just look at me, to just say that they care—but everyone is just walking by me with distant expressions...