Saturday, January 10, 2009

Epiphany

I had a realization today. An epiphany.
After years of being told I’m ugly, something to be despised, I believed it. I believed that. I believed that no one could ever love me because I was so disgusting to look at. After years of an abusive father, and endless days of being tormented by school bullies, I thought myself as not worth the price of air, to be lower than the scum on someone’s shoe.
It’s taken me a long time—a very slow process—to change that belief.
It started out slowly, little pieces of glowing disbelief, here and there. Once every great while I would look in the bathroom mirror—in the middle of getting ready for school or some such thing—and stop in amazement. I would see somebody I didn’t recognize. Who was this olive-tone skinned, vibrant chocolate-brown haired, flush-pink full lipped, intelligent eyed girl’s reflection in the mirror?
Yes, it started slowly. Only in the last couple of years has this feeling, this thought, this belief began to bloom, expand, proliferate. Instead of it happening once every couple of months, it began to happen once every month, then several times a month. Now, it seems as if every time I look in that silver-coated reflective surface I see what I thought never existed. My beautiful soul and my intelligent mind were not hindered by an ugly physique—which is all most people look at—but enhanced by a beautiful body and an even more beautiful face.
And now, now I whenever I think of this, this transformation, I can feel a warm golden glow inside my chest. A better way to describe this is to imagine a black hole, an empty space full of self-loathing and insecurity. But, suddenly there’s a little shining star, the size of a grain of sand, just materializing out of nowhere. That little star dispersed light into the darkness, creating a glimmer of hope, a minute trickle of the dawning of the inherent truth that could only be found in time and within one’s essence. With time, that little sparkling star grew to become a radiating sun, bigger than a sizable mango. A flickering, flowing sun that burns with self-satisfaction—not pretentious, but a sense of confidence, of trust, of certainty in oneself—and hope and love and above all, serenity. Serenity in being true to myself, in being content with who I am, and being unafraid to walk my own path. That is what this epiphany has laid out before, and within, me. In my mind’s eye, I can see this sun revolving in my chest; I can feel—when I focus—the heat, the warmth, and the intense yet gentle feeling of being whole, at one with the Universe, at one with myself.

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