Monday, January 26, 2009

Misery Can Kill the Soul and Ravage Its Sanity

Misery can kill. And it is killing me. Tearing my chest apart, my heart into pieces...
How can I feel this way, when I love myself for who I am?
And how can my insides feel like a barren wilderness, when I know I have so much to offer to my friends, my family, the world?
Maybe it's the love I never received from a father who never cared...
Of that I am sure, but... could it be for another reason as well? I don't know...
What I want to know, though, is why when I decide to finally cut myself free of him (several times) that soon afterwards an event occurs that causes the scars in my heart to be torn open and the savage agony to be felt anew?
How can he have such power over me? I know what others would say, "He doesn't have the power or the control. You are the one giving him your power, power over your emotions."
Okay, yeah. So? That I know. What I need to know is how to change it. When I know that, I will finally be free. I just hope that knowledge comes soon, before it is too late and the hole in my chest consumes me. Then I will be nothingness, a black hole of misery.

But, will it even matter?
This world is made up of billions of people. And each of us, we are just made of dust. That is all we are. So when I have faded, either in misery or through time, there will be nothing left of me. Not even reminders that a woman who felt, who loved, who lived in pain, ever existed.
Not that it matters. If there were others who did remember me, even if I became a very historical person, such as Susan B. Anthony, if I am to fade into dust, then those who remember me will as well. We will all turn into nothing but tiny windblown particles that will have existed for just a moment, to be lost in time.
No, it does not even matter...

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